By Brother Nathanael Kapner September 4, 2017 ©
TOSSING AND TURNING all night, I got up, gulped down some borscht, and went back to bed.
Falling into a deep sleep I dreamt I was in Moscow in front of a large apartment building.
Nikita Khrushchev was leading a tour of American democrats, namely, Chuckie Schumer, Eliot Engel, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, and William Kristol.
“What are you doing here?” I asked Kristol. “I thought you were a neocon?”
“What’s the difference?” he answered, “it’s all a matter of what Jewish flavor of politics you want. All Jews hate Russia now, it’s way to conservative for our tastes,” he remarked.
“And you?” I asked Ginsburg. “What are you doing here?”
“I’m looking for homosexual neighbors. I want to push same-sex marriage here. That’s how I got it passed in America. I said my neighbors in New York were homosexuals. It made for a convincing argument in court. The other three Jews on the bench thought it was brilliant.”
Suddenly, Masha Gessen appeared on the side of the apartment building. She was hauling a bunch of garbage filled with gefilte fish. It really stunk. Schumer and Kristol ran over and started raiding the garbage for leftovers.
Gessen looked so horrid that I started gagging. She looked like a feminized man and her mouth was locked in a scowl. Fellini would’ve had a field day.
“I’m your gal!” she exclaimed to Ginsburg. “I’m an out-and-out lesbian. I’m proud of it and hate Putin so much that the New York Times features me.”
“But you live in America now,” I reminded her, “you’re hardly a Russian ‘neighbor.’”
Then Khrushchev chimed in.
“YOU WANT A HOMO?” Khrushchev asked Ginsburg. “He’s standing right next to you,” pointing to Eliot Engel.
“Eliot Engel’s a homosexual?” I asked Nikita. “How do you know that?”
“Just take one look at him and how he talks in a constant pout,” answered Khrushchev.
“Yeah, you’re right,” I said, “he’s constantly pouting about Putin interfering with our democracy.”
“Shut your mouth!” shouted Schumer to me. “Americans have no idea what democracy is all about. You better not tell them!”
“I’ve already told them,” I answered. “Democracy’s awarded to the highest bidder—Jews.”
I pulled out a picture of Putin standing in front of a painting of Czar Nicholas II, and said, “Only monarchy will save the world. Long Live Holy Russia!”
I awoke and poured myself a vodka.
“Ahh,” I said to myself, “I need to listen to Moscow Nights!”
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Brother Nathanael @ September 3, 2017